The Logic, Ontology, and Epistemology of Ducks (with bonus duck sex)

Every several months a duck meme makes the rounds on social media. It states that everything in the universe is either a duck or not a duck. The following, initially drafted in 2021 and just published more publically, elaborates on the philosophical foundations of this anatine meme.

Initially, it must be stated that the sentence is logically true and can be expressed as U = d && !d (i.e., the Universe consists of ducks and not-ducks). Further, it asserts the law of non-contradiction, the two propositions "p1d ("this is a duck) is the case" and "p1d is not the case" are mutually exclusive.

Logic (and mathematics) are quasi-empirical. They are derived from observations and experiences of the world, abstracted, and can be used to make predictions about ontology, the theory of being, of what exists. Avicenna, the great Persian philosophy and physician (980-1037 CE) made the blunt remark: "Anyone who denies the law of non-contradiction should be beaten and burned until he admits that to be beaten is not the same as not to be beaten, and to be burned is not the same as not to be burned." Avicenna is making a prediction here based on a logical elaboration from empirical experiences, and you probably wouldn't want to have to defend your thesis on paraconsistent logic in front of him.

So, the ontological claim is that, empirically, everything should be either a duck or not a duck. This is where we delve into the theory of knowledge and epistemology, which is bound by the semiotics components of sign (the symbol "duck"), signified (the concept of "duck"), and the signifier (actual, empirical ducks). I will be suspending the rich study in epistemology on matters in observational accuracy, noting that some claim that birds aren't real and we do have evidence that of Le Canard Digérateur, or Digesting Duck, developed by Jacques de Vaucanson in France in 1764. This seems to concur with the pending takeover by the Illuminati.

It turns out, ducks are not a monophyletic group. The closest is the family Anatidae. That family includes the common names for ducks, swans, geese, eider screamers, and (maybe) the magpie goose (it's under debate). Is a swan a duck? Splitting off ducks into a sub-family, Anatinae, leads to huge debates about which Anatidae is in and which is out, depending on habitat, morphology, and behaviour. Depending on who you ask, the Australian freckled duck might not be a duck, nor the steamer duck, nor the torrent duck, nor whistling ducks, nor perching ducks, etc.

"Duck" is a complex concept. It is difficult to convert epistemology to ontology and then to logic, and something that is logically coherent may not yet convert accurately to ontological and epistemological concepts.

Having read this far, I promised a discussion on duck sex. True, I did this in good humour to attract the attention of the lascivious, although if you're a genuine anatiphile please seek professional help. I note that over the decades, a number of conservatives have repeatedly used bizarre duck-sex speculations to push their own social agenda.

As recorded in the Hansard of the South Australian House of Assembly of 28th June 2000, Peter Lewis offers these words whilst arguing against the potential decriminalisation of prostitution. It sounds like he was speaking from experience.

"Let me tell members that, in those places in the world where you cannot afford to buy another human being, what they do is paint up a tree log that has been hollowed out for you and fit it up with a duck. In Macau and other places on earth, that is the kind of service you can hire. And it is cheaper: you can get it for less than the price of a cup of tea. That is the kind of level to which society will descend..."

Several years later, televangelist Pat Robertson argued against a US congressional hate crimes Bill, designed to impose penalties for those acting with violence against others because of actual or perceived race, colour, religion, nationality, gender, transgender, sexual orientation or disability. Roberston asked whether this would protect people who want to have sex with ducks (and "little boys", apparently for correlation). Comedians Garfunkle and Oates responded with their famous "Sex with Ducks" song. Finally, illustrating the virtues of a home-school education, a youngster from New Zealand has claimed that marriage equality will lead to the evolution of superducks that will enslave humanity. "The ducks will get you in the end", Jasmin implores, not-at-all implying any desire for rear-guard action.

Maybe such duck fantasies come from the unconscious recognition that, by size, certain ducks have the longest penises among all vertebrates relative to body size. The Argentine Lake Duck has a penis of 42cm, about the same as its body length. It comes at a cost, however. Something of this size means that said duck is not exactly streamlined for flight. Perhaps being more earthly-bound is exactly where certain people want their ducks lined up.